:: 2024 1 May :: 1.32 pm
:: Mood: hopeless

As we hang from the vine
We swam on the thin red line
I'm asleep in the deep
Asleep in the dark black sea

I call out your name
All I hear is the pouring rain
When you came into view
I realise it's not you

You disappeared into the steam
You disappeared into the steam

'Cause I waited so long
To watch it all leave
'Cause I waited so long
To watch it all leave
'Cause I waited so long

The night fades away
I'm dipped in the deep dark clay
And I'm raising my voice
Sinking with all my teeth

I'm hiding the storm
The storm with the bright green glow
And I'm holding my knife
It's sure to make them leave

You disappeared into the steam
You disappeared into the steam

'Cause I waited so long
To watch it all leave
'Cause I waited so long
To watch it all leave
When the wait is so long

are you reaching out

:: 2024 30 April :: 1.23 pm

I am in a very dark and lonely place.

I reach out for help and no one helps. they just make me feel so much fucking worse. my doctors won't give me the time of day. I can't figure out how to get my medical records. the doctor office transfers me to the wrong place to request them. so in trapped with this group of incompetent assholes.

my friends just tell me to get a therapist. they don't visit they don't call. I guess I really am on my own. were they ever really friends in the first place? I feel like literally no one gives a fuck about me. this baby has brought up so many emotions about my past that I thought were dead and buried.

like ... my parents really honestly didn't think I was a good investment, and decided to pour their time and money into my brother. who is 40 and has never moved out, has no future. my husband's family felt the same way and forced his actions to basically abandon me when we were teenagers. then I spent 17 years in absolute misery just trying to find a break that I could stick my fingers into. all I found were rocks to crush my hands. and now I have my dream life, everything I always wanted, and I come to find out I'm just a fat old fucking hag that isn't worth the skin I live in.

I wish I had died at 21 like I planned. I wish I had died any of those nights I drank way too much. I wish I had just fucking disappeared and not been such a fucking bother to anyone. I shouldn't have been born. I shouldn't be breathing this air. I am such a fucking complete fucking waste of space.

I'm drowning. I'm suffocating. I am hog tied and alone in a dark room. and I put myself here. I literally did this all to myself. I'm not a victim, I'm the instigator to my own fucking misery. I am so fucking alone. I am desolate. I am hollow. I am mold and slime and scum. a worthless sack of fat and bones.

are you reaching out

:: 2024 17 April :: 10.46 am

been reading thru my old diaries from 1996 to 2012 and they are literally the saddest things I have ever read. it breaks my heart how much pain I poured into those things.

it also makes me laugh at how fucking boy crazy I was.

I hope my daughter isn't anywhere near as sad as I was. I'm so scared she's going to live a life that's filled with misery and pain, and I won't be able to help.

1 night time trust fall | are you reaching out

:: 2024 15 March :: 8.28 am

struggling with this weight gain, balancing eating and exercising and not starving the baby.

feeling like every. single. thing. I do/think/feel is wrong.

feeling lost and hopeless and pointless.

all my art projects turn out like shit.

my friends won't come and visit me, it's always me going there.

I just want to stay in bed and cry all day.

6 night time trust fallnight time trust falls | are you reaching out

:: 2024 15 February :: 10.48 am

so fucking sick of bad dreams. I miss malish. I miss him so fucking much.

I felt the baby move for the first time yesterday. such a trip. but also so exciting. I can already tell post partum depression is going to be really fucking rough, as this ante partum depression is literally destroying me.

I'm just so sad every day. and every night. and in my dreams. I don't want to do anything to prepare for her arrival. I'm dreading the sick days and the crying and the sleeplessness. the husband is thinking about taking a job in TN... moving south sounds fucking horrid. being alone two weeks each month sounds horrid after the baby comes. I am just not sure how to cope.

my bestie is getting a German shepherd and I am really upset about it. it's her life and she deserves the happiness of a dog, but why did she have to pick one of the biggest and scariest ones? my baby isn't going anywhere around that dog. and that dog isn't coming into my home. so... another barrier up.

life progresses and it just seems to get more disappointing.

are you reaching out